


Needing to Hide

by Impala_Cherry_Trickster



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Awkward Sam Winchester, Body Dysphoria, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, First Time, Hunters & Hunting, Lies, Loss of Virginity, Love, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Scars, Season/Series 01, Soft Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:53:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21958420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impala_Cherry_Trickster/pseuds/Impala_Cherry_Trickster
Summary: Sam's been hiding for a long time, but Dean's confession of love means he doesn't need to Hide anymore.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 128





	Needing to Hide

The first time Sam lied, he was fourteen. Dean had been questioning him, and Sam had decided that he had to tell his brother a small white lie, just to keep Dean from worrying. So, Sam had said that he kissed Mary White outside the school gates, a proper kiss. Dean had grinned, slapped him on the back and called him a Winchester. One tiny white lie, and now Sam was no longer a freak. It didn’t matter that he hadn't kissed anyone, let alone one of the prettiest girls in school. It didn’t matter that she had asked him on a date, that he had declined, because he couldn’t possibly kiss anyone like that.

The second time was only six months later, telling Dean that he was going on a date. Instead, Sam went to the library, enjoyed some relaxing times away from the stress of Hunting. It was here that he pondered his issue, his lack of sexual attraction. It wasn’t that he didn’t think people were pretty, he could clearly identify that. And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to occasionally kiss people, he was curious about it. But when it came to the moment, he just didn’t feel like he could.

After the Hunt where a werewolf got the better of him, he realised why he couldn’t be that close to someone. Because to kiss them, was to be attracted to them. To want a relationship. This very notion was impossible, not when he was scarred and haunted by the things he had seen, not when he had four parallel claw-marks along his stomach, and hundreds of little white scars elsewhere. There was no way Sam Winchester could ever let a person close enough to do that.

John Winchester was homophobic. Dean sometimes joined in laughing at his father’s bad jokes, but Sam never did. To him, it wasn’t really an issue. He liked women, could understand how they were pretty. He liked men, just as much, although the same issues with intimacy came. Still, he would pretend to be attracted to people, small little lies that kept his father and brother from looking too closely.

Sam got accepted to Stanford. While there, he met an amazing woman, Jessica Lee Moore. The first, and only, woman that he let in to his life. Slowly it progressed, from brief touches of hands, light hugs, occasional hand-holding. Jess didn’t protest when Sam took things slowly, when he couldn’t explain why, even when they got to sleeping in bed next to each other, he woke up gasping for breath. He couldn’t explain that he dressed in a room separate to her, never let her see him shirtless.

He started working out. Filling in the limbs that had always been too gangly, and every day, he would stand in front of the mirror. Would look himself over, trying to see if he was like his father and brother. It took two years, but eventually he could stare at himself without feeling complete shame. And that was the moment the door opened, Jess’s eyes widening as she took in his shirtless form. Sam didn’t pull away, not even when her hands touched his arms, ran up the muscles.

‘Jesus, Sam. You’ve been hiding a lot.’ It was said light-heartedly, even though it punched him in the gut. Her eyes then caught sight of the scars, of the claw-marks across his stomach, and she looked from them, to him.

‘You don’t have to tell me.’ But he knew she was asking, even if she didn’t speak the words. They didn’t speak of it, but Sam did become a little more affectionate. Kissing, which eventually led to making-out, and he decided that even if he couldn’t receive pleasure, he could give it. Jessica, although she didn’t like it, eventually agreed. So the Hunter learnt that, even though he didn’t deserve happiness, he could give it to other people.

He learnt how to love her, to work her over with his fingers and tongue, listening to her moan and cry out his name. It was enough for him, despite him being fully-clothed. It was enough for her to feel the pleasure.

When Jess died, Sam wasn’t really sure what to do. He started hunting with his brother, changing in the bathroom and hiding as much of his body as he could, baggy clothing to hide his frame. Dean gave him odd looks every so often, but he didn’t say anything. The Bloody Mary incident went badly, because Sam was hiding a lot of guilt, and not just because he saw Jess on the ceiling before he left her.

Which led to current, where Dean had the brilliant idea of taking Sam to a strip-club, claiming they needed to lighten up. Sam did try to protest, especially when Dean paid off one of them to take Sam to one of the back-rooms. A pretty brunette on his lap, grinding down, and Sam was attracted. Attracted, but definitely not into it, which she pretty soon picked up on.

‘You’re not gay, are you?’ She questioned, stopping her movements and pulling back. Sam blushed, not because it was true, more because she had figured him out so quickly.

‘No, I… I just don’t really like this kind of thing.’ Her brows furrowed, before she slipped off his lap and onto the edge of the bed. He thought this was an invitation to leave, but she placed a hand on his thigh, looking up.

‘Talk to me.’ Sam ended up spilling a lot, telling her he was a virgin, that he had to act strong in front of his brother. That his girlfriend of two years was dead, that she was the only one to see him out of the hoodie he was wearing, that she had understood him. Alice, the girl listening to him spill his heart, did nothing but run her fingers in circles on his knee, not speaking until he finally looked up.

‘Can I see?’ She meant the scars, and he hesitated.

‘You don’t have to, but Sam, you deserve happiness. And trust me, you have nothing to be ashamed of.’ Somehow, her words got through to him more than Jess’s confirmations ever had, and he slowly shucked the hoodie off. Her eyes trailed over his arms, following his hands to the back of his shirt as he tugged it over his neck.

‘Wow.’ It made the heat spread to his neck, replaced quickly with shame and embarrassment as she focused on him.

‘I know you don’t believe it, but you’re gorgeous.’ She was right, he didn’t, but he did feel slightly more confident.

**

Dean was on his fifth beer by the time the girl, the pretty brunette Dean had tipped, returned. She scanned the crowd, spotted him, and came waltzing across. To be honest, even before she said the words, Dean was expecting them.

‘You need to speak to him, show him how much you love him. And not as brothers.’ Dean opened his mouth to protest, but she pressed a finger to his lips, shook her head firmly.

‘I don’t need you to lie, I just need you to look after him.’

The ride back to the Motel was silent. Dean waited until Sam came out of the bathroom in his night-clothes, a long sleeved shirt that was baggy on his form, sweatpants that did nothing for his figure. When Sam spotted him, he instantly looked worried, like he knew Dean was going to speak.

‘Sammy, come and sit down.’ His brother did as told, sat opposite him on the other bed, gnawed at his lip as Dean tried to figure out how best to broach the subject.

‘I… Man I’m worried about you. I thought us getting back together would be good, but you don’t seem to be happy, and if it’s about Jess, I get it. I’ll back away.’ Sam’s cheeks flushed, a light tint that Dean found cute, until he shook the thought away.

‘Dean…’

‘And Sam, you’ve got to stop me. Stop me, and this never happened.’ He was going to do it. He stood, Sam looking confused, and didn’t back down. Kept his movement slow enough, knelt down to cup his brother’s cheek, to brush his thumb across smooth skin. Sam looked lost, confused, but didn’t pull back as Dean leant in.

It was warm, a hot press of lips, and Sam didn’t pull away. Wrapped a hand around his neck, tugging his baby brother closer, so that Dean could lick and nip at his lips, seeking entrance, and when granted, letting his tongue explore. It wasn’t until a hand pushed him back that he pulled away, both of them breathless.

‘Dean, wait.’ And he did, even though Sam looked so good with swollen lips and pupil-blown eyes.

‘I can’t…’ It cracked his heart, and Sam must have seen it, because he reached out quickly to stop Dean from pulling back. Now Dean was confused, and painfully hard, staring at his brother with mixed emotions.

‘I haven’t done this before.’ That made Dean sigh, then smile.

‘Neither have I, not with a guy, but I can get the idea.’ He winked, Sam’s cheeks darkening further, and he shook his head.

‘I mean, I haven’t done this at all. Sex.’

**

Sam waited, tried to interpret how his words would be received. Dean’s eyes widened, mouth dropped open, and Sam decided babbling everything out at once would be better.

‘I never kissed Mary White, or lost my virginity. Jess is the only woman I’ve ever kissed, and even then I never let her do anything to me. I can’t, it just doesn’t happen, I’m a mess and my body…’ He stopped, unsure of how to tell his brother that he couldn’t bare to see himself in the mirror, but Dean’s expression had hardened.

‘You’re ashamed of how you look?’ Sam nodded, biting his lip until he tasted blood, before Dean knocked him back onto the bed so fast that he didn’t even fight. Dean landed in his lap, kissing him, and Sam pulled him closer. Reached for his brother’s shirt, wanted to make him feel good, but Dean shook his head.

‘You first.’ Sam froze, watched Dean’s hands slowly reaching for the buttons of his sleep shirt.

‘It’s me, Sammy. Just me, I’ll keep you safe.’ Sam knew he was breathing heavily, whether it was fear or arousal, he didn’t know. One by one, the buttons plinked off, until his torso was bare and Dean was raking his gaze over it.

‘Baby brother, look at you.’ And before Sam could ask if everything was okay, Dean had lowered his head to Sam’s nipples, taking one in his mouth while the other was clasped between fingers.

Sam didn’t fight it this time, he moaned.

**

Dean couldn’t quite believe it, although slowly, he began to understand. Every shy gaze, every worried look, every time his baby brother chewed on his lip. And every time Sam started to doubt Dean’s affections, he would go back to the beginning, kiss and lick each part that he loved. Once Sam was naked, panting beneath him and exposed, body littered in red marks, Dean finally saw no worry on Sam’s face. Just love, and the lust that was causing the obscene sounds falling from Sam’s lips.

‘That’s it, little brother, let me here you.’ He crooked his fingers, where two of them were buried deep inside Sam’s hot body, and his brother fell apart. His hips bucked up into the air, angry cock finally releasing all over his stomach, and Sam’s eyes widened almost comically. Dean kissed the expression off, until Sam’s hips were starting to rub against him again.

‘Wanna feel you, De.’ He was so new to this, Dean thought, watching Sam’s hands awkwardly reach for him. It didn’t matter, the older Hunter wanted Sam any way he could have him, the innocence was adorable. Sam was learning quickly, and he didn’t even look concerned that he was naked.

Dean watched every expression as he pushed in, made sure to pepper Sam’s skin with soft kisses, assuring him of how pretty he was, how much Dean loved him, how sorry he was that he hadn't told him all those years ago. And when they finally collapsed, Dean still buried deep inside him, he brushed away Sam’s tears, kissed the marks they left, held his brother close.

‘I’m sorry…’ He tried, but Dean shushed him with a kiss.

‘No need, baby brother. I love you.’ He should have said it years ago, should have told Sam that he was worth everything in the world. But his little brother listened to the words, slowly smiled up at him, and maybe they would be okay.

‘I love you too.’

That night, Sam didn’t need to cover his body in clothes, he had Dean’s body over his.


End file.
